This roller coaster is making me nauseated!

Today is a teary day because I thought we were about 2 weeks away and now we hear we are 4 weeks away. Don't know why. What difference does it make? Dias will be 4 on December 9th which is heartbreaking but maybe we will be there for his birthday which is cool.
A friend wrote me and expressed her appreciation for my support during her adoption. I don't seem to good at it for myself! I have cried at least 5 times today. Thinking of leaving Shawn for an unknown amount of time, thinking of not seeing my daughter when she visits Texas at Christmas, thinking of Dias getting older and more set in the orphanage mentality plus the longer his hip is not addressed the more complicated it will be to correct, and finding out our newest news about traveling.
I know the team is working on our adoption and a few dozen more. They are always upbeat and encouraging, but when they tell you, "Good news! You'll hopefully (the hopefully part is a disclaimer in the world of adoption) be going as early as the end of November!", All I hear is , not yet.
I went for my mammogram today. A woman was talking about age and complaining about hers. My friend Carol (Hi Carol and I love you!) just left for MD Anderson with a new diagnosis of breast cancer. I thought to myself, I don't care about my age. I don't have cancer, I am healthy and my husband and children are too and we are adopting! I could care less about my age from a vanity point.
So I will end this gripe session by writing that I do have it all in perspective. I am thankful. I am just sad a little.
Tomorrow we Trick-Or-Treat and party with Shawn's class. All weekend long we have fun things planned and Sunday I will relax with my best friend, my husband.
Life is very good.

FINALLY!!!!!!

News finally! We don't have a travel date yet but according to our agency we are looking at leaving in about 2 weeks!!!! The facilitator in Kazakhstan has met with the lawyer in Taldy (where Dias is) and does not sense any issues that would hinder our adoption. The judge is not issuing court dates for adoption hearings though. A family went in August for their bonding period and have yet to be asked to return for court. But all concerned have agreed it is in our best interest to go for our bonding period and demonstrate our commitment (well duh!) and it is one major part of all this that we can go ahead and accomplish. Who knows? Maybe we will be invited right back, and maybe we will be 3 months later still waiting. Crazy isn't it? Our coordinator Susan feels it is good to go on and we are so ready. We were actually given the option to wait and see what happens with the other family, or try and have Dias moved to another region. I can't think about uprooting that baby from all he has ever known and moving him and then we show up etc. TOO much! I really need to see that little boy. So we are Kazakhstan bound soon! Hope to have dates by next week. We have so much to do.........Yippeee!!!!!!

Ramblings

Read this the other day and wanted to share:
"We witness a miracle every time a child enters into a life. But those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait for them, are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us by God's very own hands."-Kristi Larson
I don't know who Ms. Larson is but she sums up this adoption pregnancy perfectly. That little quote is for all our currently adopting soul mates.
No news really except that we can be expecting some news soon. (?!) That is an update in the world of international adoption I am afraid.
Standing by for a possible stand by. etc., etc.
I saw a t-shirt the other day that read," Yes, we are still adopting. No, we haven't heard anything". How true is that??
I compared this "pregnancy" to our first adoption with Shawn as, tenuous. With Shawn, it was as if we had a normal, healthy pregnancy. All the fears and anxieties yes, but happy and excited none-the-less. And exactly 9 months even! This time we almost had a miscarriage. So now we wait with a heavy heart some days wondering what will go wrong. It is an uncomfortable blend of excited but not too excited, hopeful but guarded, happy for the chance but sad we may still lose it. I have experienced incomplete pregnancies followed by a wonderful pregnancy and birth of my daughter. I have experienced a perfect adoption followed by a topsy turvy one we now currently pursue. The wings of destiny might be flying with our child in them right now. It is that chance we are pursuing. There are parents that would trade with us in a heart beat for just the chance. Our son needs a brother, we want another child, a child needs a home, grandparents tell us their grand kids are what keep them young and give them a reason. Other hopeful adoptive families look and watch and think, maybe if they can we can. We are not giving up for those reasons plus a few dozen more. The biggest one is a 3 1/2 year old boy 23 hours away who I can only picture happy, healthy and running with his new brother in the yard. I cannot fathom the alternative.
An family currently adopting wrote that they watched several orphaned children climb some stairs at the orphanage. They hugged their newly adopted daughter a little tighter I am sure as they watched these motherless children walk away and thought what we all think,"What if...?".
Look at Shawn then and now. What if.......

Fall is here!

Fall is finally here. It is still hot 'cuz we're in Texas ya'll, but it is fall none the less. Our adoption process with our new agency is moving along. No news except that we remain hopeful and happy about bringing little Dias to our home. There are many troubling waters in the world of international adoption and this just makes our own problems seem even harder. Then, something happens or someone says something at just the right moment and we take a breath and put our oars back in the water and keep rowing!
We have been having fun and trying really hard to still be in the moment. For what we already have is more than we ever dreamed of. My daughter is growing her practice in Portland, Oregon and continues to amaze and bless me by her presence in my life. Mike and I have secure employment and are blessed with the resources to continue our adoption. In these trying times, that is not a small statement.
One adoption family friend is going to leave soon to adopt their daughter and another family will return from their first visit with their daughter tomorrow. Several adoptive families we now call friends, have said they will not be returning to Kazakhstan if they want more children. This saddens me but I can understand completely. With China adoptions taking 4-5 years and other countries becoming more and more strict, UNICEF's attempts at decreasing (stopping) international family building and The Hague setting criteria that leaves many families in limbo, the future for international adoptions is bleak I hate to write.
I did not set out to advocate for adoption. Life sometimes hands us our destiny even when we don't pick it ourselves. I swore when we were given a second chance to adopt Dias that I would spend the rest of my life helping families and children unite through adoption. I still don't know what shape that will take. However, I am sure I will be in the mix somewhere.
The most spectacular people have entered our lives via this miracle called adoption. Also,a little spirit in a Kazakh boys body, blesses me everyday by calling me "mom". It keeps me going. That, and fall fun.......